I’ll confess – this post has been sitting on my computer desktop, half-finished, for a few weeks. I’d written a list of ways to cope with loneliness at Christmas (similar to the post I shared recently about coping with Xmas stress) but something about it wasn’t sitting right. As I thought about it some more, I realised that simply sharing a list of tips didn’t really reflect the way I work as a therapist, especially when it comes to supporting people experiencing loneliness.
When people come to me for counselling, when they sit down and I ask what’s brought them, and they reply, ‘I’m lonely,’ I wouldn’t greet them by saying, ‘Hey, look, have you tried these things, they might help?’ Although at first glance I might appear to be giving them something helpful, in another sense I’d just be leaving them alone to sort things out for themselves.
Instead, I meet them with curiosity and compassion – I want to get to know them and what it’s like for them to be lonely. I want to sit alongside them as they share their experience of loneliness and as their loneliness begins to shift, offering them an opportunity to be heard. I want to explore with them what might have led them to loneliness, and to work together with them to find a way out of it.
If someone’s experiencing loneliness, I want to help them to find connection. That might involve helping them connect better with others, or it might involve helping them to feel better connected to themselves – often it includes both. What it doesn’t really involve is just sending them away with a list of things to try on their own. After all, if they could sort out their loneliness by making a few practical changes from a list on the internet, they’d probably have done that already!
At the same time, many people come to counselling looking for guidance. While I don’t offer advice, I can (and do) share ideas and information at times. For some folks, being supported to find their own solution can bring up strong feelings of being left to fix things on their own, plunging them further into the loneliness they’re trying to escape. A really important part of the relational way I work is to help people to talk about feelings like these if they come up. They’re nothing to be ashamed of – they’re important clues that can help with navigating difficulties and finding an approach to counselling that considers your unique needs and your unique situation.
So, I share these tips and ideas in a similar spirit: take what suits, experiment, be playful, be reflective, be creative – delete things, add things, make them your own. If they’re not for you, or they don’t work out – reach out. You don’t have to be lonely or alone.
Connect with creativity
Human beings are inherently creative – making things can be satisfying in and of itself as well as a way of making connections with others. For some people, accessing their creativity isn’t always straightforward – especially if they were criticised for their attempts at creativity as children – but it’s usually still in there somewhere, waiting to be got in touch with. Self-compassion, patience, and a willingness to do things imperfectly (or even wrongly) can reap rewards.
There are all kinds of ways you could use your creativity to connect with others, from joining (or enquiring about) a club for people who share your hobby to signing up for a class to learn something new. Your creativity might show itself in your organisational skills or your capacity to bring people and projects together – perhaps you might organise some last-minute wreath-making or biscuit baking, alone or with others, and share what you make with people in your community. If your creativity comes in the form of a talent for problem-solving, you might explore if there are any voluntary organisations in your area who could use your skills.
One of my favourite things about Christmas is the opportunity to make music with others. Whether through carols or karaoke, music can be a great way to connect. You might like to join a choir – many give seasonal performances, and they can also be a great place to form lasting connections. The challenge (and thrill!) of performing together can help to cement bonds between people. If singing isn’t your thing, you might like to see if there are any group instrumental lessons offered in your area. It can be tough starting something from scratch as an adult, but the shared vulnerability and opportunity to celebrate your own and others’ progress in a class can help bring people together.
Experience the wider-than-human world
Many people enjoy a walk somewhere at Christmas. This can be a great opportunity to greet others and enjoy a moment of human connection as you pass – whether on a pavement, mountain path or in a park, exchanging a smile and a ‘hello’ can act as a reminder that there are opportunities for connection out there.
Getting outdoors and exploring can also be a great opportunity to experience connection with nature. Whether you enjoy the peace of the forest, the energy of waves breaking on a winter beach, or identifying the wildflowers growing in an urban pavement, taking the opportunity to remember that humans are part of a larger, interrelated ecosystem can help you to feel connected.
You might cultivate an ongoing relationship with a particular place or creature. I know someone who loves birds and enjoys a yearly ritual of making a special bird-friendly Christmas pudding and putting it out on her bird feeder. She experiences great joy and connection from welcoming these non-human others to her table. She follows these bird families throughout the year, enjoying how their lives intertwine with her own.
(Mindfully) embrace technology
Smart phones get a (sometimes justified!) bad rap due to their capacity to cause disconnection – but technology, when used mindfully, can help connect us, too. A brief message or a quick invite can lead to opportunities to connect more deeply. Video calls can provide moments of connection with people who are far away. Social media can cause us to set impossible standards, but it can also help us to connect with others with shared interests or experiences.
Connecting through the wonders of technology doesn’t always have to be hi-tech. I remember one Christmas Day I spent alone through a combination of unforeseen happenings. Feeling that I was alone while everybody else was having fun was difficult. I found solace in listening to the radio and feeling connected to all the other people out there listening to the same show – especially during requests hour. I remember standing in my kitchen, listening to requests from others who were home alone, decorating, baking and wrapping, and waiting for their chance to be together with their loved ones. I might have been alone in my kitchen, but knowing that I wasn’t alone in my experience really helped.
Alongside seeking positive connections through technology, you might also set an intention to notice if you’re spending more time with your phone than the people around you, and what impact that’s having for you.
Reach out
Often people can feel ashamed of feeling alone. Reaching out can help people to know that you’d appreciate spending time with them over the holidays. Alternatively, you might feel lonely due to being with other people but not really feeling seen by them. Perhaps, if it’s safe to, you could find opportunities to share more of your inner thoughts and feelings and let people connect with the real you.
If you’re struggling to maintain relationships it might be helpful to reflect on any patterns that show up in the connections you form. Do you gravitate towards people who don’t have time for you? Do you feel frightened by closeness? Are you worried people won’t like you? Be gentle with yourself as you explore this – you might want to seek support from a compassionate friend or therapist.
Remember that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel at Christmas – and that you have a choice in how you respond to those feelings. Sometimes feeling lonely or left out can trigger strong emotions and it can be all too easy to respond by lashing out or retreating from people. This can temporarily ease the hurt, but in the longer term it can get in the way of getting your needs met. Again, if you notice that you sometimes fall into these patterns, be compassionate towards yourself if you can and seek compassion from others if this is too difficult – you almost certainly developed these patterns as a way protect yourself from hurt.
Connect to yourself
Sometimes, it’s just about getting through. Things don’t come together and you don’t find people to be with during the holidays. If you find yourself in this situation, be kind to yourself. You’re not alone in being alone. Spend a few moments reflecting on what’s available to you that might draw on to help you to have the best holiday season you can.
Would you find it helpful to cast a critical eye over media messages that you shouldn’t be alone at Christmas? Perhaps you’d like to take the opportunity to spend time meeting your own needs, away from the demands of others. Perhaps you’d like to find your own meaning in the Christmas celebrations and explore ways to connect with that. Perhaps you’d like to ignore the celebrations entirely.
You might choose to set an intention for how you would like future Christmases to be and think about steps you might take towards achieving that. Enlist the help of family and friends, or consider finding a counsellor or psychotherapist.
How counselling can help
Sometimes shifting loneliness takes deeper work than trying new things or reaching out to friends – time spent with a compassionate counsellor or psychotherapist can help you to understand how you’ve come to feel so alone and help you find ways to re-connect with others. It can help you to identify and shift unhelpful patterns of relating and responding. Therapy itself, in the form that I practice, can help to support you until you build up your own inner and outer connections. Often clients find that the memory of relationally-oriented therapy continues to resource them even after they’ve ended counselling.
I have daytime and a small number of evening appointments available from early January. I offer sliding scale fees (£40/50/60 per session – you decide what’s sustainable for you). Get in touch to find out more. If you need immediate support over the holidays do remember that Samaritans offer a listening service 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year.
About me
I’m an integrative counsellor working in private practice in Plymouth, Devon and online. My therapy training was in open-ended, relational approaches to counselling. All my blog posts are written by me, not AI.
Stacey Sewell Counselling 